What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:17
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Was to survive, this bastard.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What is your biggest mistake or regret?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im still living with it.
What is the best case of “You just picked a fight with the wrong person” that you've witnessed?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot live in the past .
Did you ever accidentally have sex with your brother/sister in India?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do some straight men enjoy wearing women's lingerie?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Is it okay for a wife who comes home from a date to tell her husband what she did?
(And it was in our own minds.)
It was going to be , some day.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why is our generation so unhappy?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
All the time i was locked up.
But, we were locked up after school.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
My family never makes their pension either.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Comes on , in middle age.
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I don,t even have a pension.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Where the ultimate outsiders.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She married twice! .
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What did i know ?
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were not on the streets..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I think the readers, may guess!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I have no regrets .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Would this be the day?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He knew the spot.
I said to her